November sneaked up on me. My visual cues are all messed up. Sunnier, brighter weather means I didn't pick up on the passage of the calendar in the same way I would have in Seattle. The skies were still sunny; the temperatures were still warm, or at least warm-ish; then suddenly it was fall, and then it was November. And now it’s Thanksgiving, and December will be here in just a few days.
How different this approaching winter feels from last. Last fall, I experienced a betrayal more profound than any I could have imagined, the result of which was that my view of the world and the nature of humanity shifted on its axis (along with my self-perception), and all I could see was darkness ahead. Seattle’s weather reinforced the state of my heart and soul as I examined my life from a shadowy place I never expected to know.
But in the midst of overwhelming darkness and intense self-examination, a curious thing happened. A new, tiny voice of clarity began tapping tentatively on my consciousness. I gradually realized that far from being powerless, I had been given an opportunity for transformation. As I struggled to repossess my spirit a fire slowly kindled that sharpened my clarity, reminded me of what I believe is important, and pointed out what I needed to do to honor that. Changes I had been considering from afar, in a “yeah right, wouldn't THAT be nice” kind of way, started to look possible. In particular, I realized that my heart was telling me it was time to go back home to California, after 38 years away. Not only that, I had the resources to make it happen, so I finally concluded, why not? Instead of letting the darkness define the rest of my life, I swung into action. Once I’d made up my mind, a series of questions that had been hanging over my head were suddenly settled. The answers helped smooth the way toward making the move, and four months later I was here.
Sometimes we need a pretty convincing push, I guess. I still think I could have done without that particular one, but even I have to admit that it served a purpose – apparently I needed to fall down a pretty deep hole in order to be willing to take the risks I had to take to follow my light. And from where I sit now, even as it fades toward the Winter Solstice, the late autumn California light still carries for me a promise of abundant brightness and warmth.
For that I am truly grateful.
Last weekend was the first weekend in, I'm gonna say, more than a year that I could call "normal." Between the personal turmoil, emotional upheaval, and professional angst of late last year, followed by planning the move, quitting the job, making the move, meeting the gentleman, living in others' homes, getting the job, making another move (this time with the gentleman)... well, it's been quite a tumultuous time.
So I've been reunited with my stuff, I'm happy with the gentleman, we're in our own place, everything is unpacked, the sewing corner is set up, work routines are in place, and I'm delighted to see a Saturday-morning note from Google Calendar confirming that "You have no events scheduled today." You mean it? I get to have something resembling a "normal" life again, occasionally have unclaimed time to spend as I please? Wow! Cool!
But besides simply having the unstructured time, the other piece that has finally returned is the desire to spend the time as I please. Doing, or not doing, as I choose. I was in a pretty demotivated space last year, for a lot longer than I care to remember. My very presence had been stolen, and I didn't know how to retrieve it. One of the most visible signs of that was the fact that for a period of time before the move, I simply couldn't persuade myself to do much of anything I normally love to do. There were days when I barely left the sofa. I know why it happened. I wouldn't wish any of it on my worst enemy. But I learned a lot about what's important to me. There have been no real surprises there, only reminders and confirmation. Friends. Family. Familiar places. New experiences. My own brand of being creative (usually involving either food or fabric). Allowing myself to be vulnerable again, and learning to do it without fear. Through it all, many of you acted as Demeters to my Persephone. I'll never be able to thank you enough for searching for me and pulling me out.
I won't pretend to believe that now that I'm settled back in the Golden State, life will always and only be groovy. I've had too many calendar-clearing events in my life to assume that. But as we transition into the fall and winter months, I'm looking forward with hope to spending more time with people who matter; doing things that stretch me, feed my soul, and broaden my world; and leaving something good in others' lives.
I have so many reasons, both new and old, to believe I'm The Luckiest Woman On The Planet. I'm so grateful to be able to enjoy it again.
Originally posted March 5, 2013
Until recently I wouldn't have bet any amount of money that I could live as rich and wonderful a life as I have today. It looked like a sure losing bet. All I could see ahead of me was a grim struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, on all the most basic levels.
Five years ago today I seriously broke my brain, and it was a solid two years before I could say I was back to anything close to my pre-injury "normal". When I began to emerge from the fog and no longer had to spend most of my energy focused on basic functioning and recovery (and sleeping!) I had to figure out what my new normal would look like. Once I declared that I was myself again, I was faced with the task of putting a life back together, and it was impossible to predict what course it would follow.
Before I move on, let me say that I was incredibly lucky. I came out of my injury with choices about how I would live the rest of my life. Many others with my type and degree of injury have more severe residual effects, leaving them with fewer options than I've had. Brain reassembly is notoriously hard to predict, even between people with similar injuries, and I know that my recovery could have gone in many different directions. For some reason I got the miracle.
The first step back into the light was my P-Patch garden. I'd been on a waiting list for a plot for a couple of years, and in the summer of 2010, a spot opened up at my first choice Patch. Score! An excuse to get outdoors and fling dirt around, maybe meet a few people, oh, and grow some Edible Things while I’m at it! Perfect opportunity, perfect timing. I've just signed on for my fourth season, and as I look back at three seasons of work I see a lot of fun, laughter, and yes, edibles, and some sweet connections with my fellow gardeners. Oh yes, please, I'll definitely have seconds - and thirds, and fourths, and more!
My second step was simply putting one foot in front of the other. I started walking in January 2011 with Get Fit West Seattle, which appealed to me because it was billed as a "couch-to-half-marathon" training program. If anyone was in "couch" condition at that point, it was me! The first Sunday morning we all met up, I could barely huff and puff through a half mile walk. I also knew that I had a trip to England coming up in the fall of that year, and that if I didn’t do something serious, I’d be in no shape to enjoy it – I’d never be able to keep up! Less than six months later, I completed two half marathons within two weeks and became an official Half Fanatic (it's real, look it up!) And I was just fine in England! I've continued to walk, at some times with more focus than at other times, and later this month I'll complete my third half marathon. I've made many new friends and renewed some wonderful longtime friendships through walking, and I plan to keep putting one foot in front of the other at a pretty fast clip until I'm done.
The third step was an exponential leap in reconnection. In the summer of 2011, I was invited to a reunion of the drama group from my high school. My first thought was, “Where do I sign?” – this would be the first chance I’d had to see most of these people since I graduated from high school! My excitement and anticipation weren’t misplaced – it was an amazing gathering of wonderful long-ago friends and acquaintances, and I helped close down the party that evening. After I got home, I told another friend “If I died right now, I’d be the happiest woman on earth.” Those connections have been strengthened and even expanded over the last two years in ways I couldn’t have predicted.
There is more I could write about, but nothing I might add would change the fact that the most cherished part of all of the events of the last five years, the part that takes my breath away Every. Single. Day, is you, my amazing friends and family. My life is so much richer and fuller, thanks to all of you. I've made wonderful new connections and some astonishing - even breathtaking! - reconnections with many of you in the past couple of years, people whose paths I never dreamed I'd cross again, who weave together many disparate threads of my life.
I write this not to prove anything about myself, but to express my gratitude, and to honor and acknowledge all of us who have experienced challenges and adversity and triumphed over them, thanks to the support of those who care about us. Which is pretty much all of us, right? We're a tough bunch, my friends. Many of you have faced challenges that would bring anyone to their knees. You have all inspired and supported me so much more than you may know, whether through a kind word, an invitation to lunch, a perfectly-timed phone call, or by sharing my enthusiasm for my latest adventure here on FB and in real time, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can offer you even a fraction of the love and support you've all shown me.
Did all of this come about just because I broke my brain? Well, we'll never have a control group to help us do a valid study to answer that question, but I'll stand by my story that it did. If I hadn't experienced that calendar-clearing, perspective-altering event, I don't know that I would taste the sweetness of life, and of connection to all of you, as keenly as I do now.
And THAT is why I refer to myself as the Luckiest Woman On The Planet (LWOTP). I’m so grateful for this amazing life, and incredibly grateful to have all of you in it.
